I am Okita Souji
by UsagiKuro
Summary: What the world means to Okita. Rated T because I don't want someone to get mad at me.


**I must admit I've never enjoyed writing as much as I enjoyed writing this. I think I will be doing a lot more of these… Isn't that awful? My favorite thing to write so far has been where I put someone through the most pain… I bet all of my favorite characters are going to get one. **

**Okita: I can't believe you wrote this.**

**Me: Why? I'm rather proud of it.**

**Okita: Because! Look at it! It's me going over my awful life. I like my life actually. **

**Me: Oh, shut up, I don't care. Would you like to do the disclaimer? **

**Okita: No!**

**Me: If you don't I'll kill Kamiya-san in a story.**

**Okita: You've already done that.**

**Me: True. *Pauses* *Grins evilly* I'll do it again. **

**Okita: I'll do it. SeiSoujiFan421 does not own Kaze Hikaru all credit goes to Taeko Watanabe. And thank heavens she doesn't. I'd be doomed if she did.**

**Me: You're scaring my readers away! **

**Okita: Good.**

**Me: *Sighs* Anyway, please read, enjoy, and review!**

I am Okita Souji, captain of the first troop of the Shinsengumi.

I am called a monster. I accept that title. I accepted it when I first picked up a katana. After all, anyone who kills can be rightfully called a monster even if the killing is not for self-pleasure.

I never cry. I used to back when I was young, but I stopped as soon as I met the girl who stared straight ahead, refusing to cry and gave me a reason to cry. The girl that turned out to be Kamiya-san. It seems upside down that after I have a reason to cry I no longer do it but I cannot help that.

I am infamous. Of course, I am infamous. It would be impossible not to be infamous since I am in the Shinsengumi. Anyone in the Shinsengumi is infamous. It seems that everyone is convinced that the Shinshengumi members enjoy killing. That is why we're infamous. I was never sure why people thought that we enjoyed killing. It is just the opposite. I hate killing. Sure, I kill with a smile on my face but that is only because I am not killing for myself. I am only killing for what I believe is right. I am killing to pretect other people.

I am spoiled. As a child I was given whatever I asked for. I once ate an rice ball that was meant to be an offering. My sister scolded me at first but in the end called me adorable. Even when my family was starving I would still get extra food, I realize now I shouldn't have been so selfish but I wasn't aware of it then. I was simply too young. So young, in fact that it amazes many that I can still remember this. I suppose I just have good memory.

I am loyal. I know I sound like I'm bragging right now, but I am loyal. I will always stick by my friends, my sensei, and my beliefs. Even if it means death, I will be loyal until the end.

I am ashamed of myself. Sometimes I hate myself. I will say one thing and do the other. I will scold someone for making a mistake when I make the same mistake often. Sometimes I fail to protect the people that are dear to me. I will never forget the day that Kamiya-san took a blow for me even though I am the one who is supposed to be taking blows for her. She still has the scar from that. A scar that should have been mine.

I am not good at thinking. No, I have never been good at thinking. People ask me for advice every now and then and I cannot help them. I always wish that I could but I never can. For instance, whenever I think of excuses for Kamiya-san I always contradict myself and have to make the lie stretch farther to protect her. I hate having to do that. I have never been very fond of lying but when it comes to Kamiya-san I find myself in a situation where it's either I lie or she dies. Then, of course, I lie since I refuse to let Kamiya-san die.

I am in love. This prospect of my life was always hard to digest. I have sworn to always be single but I find myself in love with Kamiya-san. The only thing stopping me from acting upon my feelings is my vow to remain single. That and the fact that someone like her could never love someone like me. I know that by falling in love with Kamiya-san she would always be my weak point and I hate having a weak point. I know that I will always be vulnerable if she is around yet I continue to love her. All she has to do to make me let my guard down is say my name. It is a good thing she calls me 'Okita-sensei' or I would be dead ten times over.

I am scared. The things that are around me scare me. No, I will never admit to this but they do. I am not scared for my own life but rather the lives of people I care about. If anyone I cared about were to die in line of duty I would calmly say that it was their time but on the inside I would be wondering what I could have done to somehow help. I know that by trying to figure out what I could have done it will not bring the people back to life. That's what scares me the most. That after they're gone I can't do anything.

All of these things are what I am. All you have to do is look a little deeper to see that. I warn you though, I do not plan on making it easy for anyone to be able tell what I am hiding. Because these are my secrets. The things that not even Kondou-sensei knows about. The things that sometimes _I _do not know about.

**Did you like it? Please review if you did! And you know what? Review if you didn't too! All constructive criticism welcome!**

**Okita: Don't review! It'll make her happy! Don't review!**

**Sei: Hmm…. I like this one… What is this line? You're in love? With Kamiya-san?**

**Okita: *Blushes***

**Me: Hehe… I'm sure you all know where this is going.**


End file.
